Post Partum

This past month has had me experience a plethora of emotions. From pure joy to mom guilt to feeling overwhelmed to loving the moment to. . . you get the idea.

Lauren has changed my life in so, so many ways. To say I've learned a lot in these past 4 weeks is an understatement. And everyone was right: You are never EVER ready for a baby.

My time at the hospital was kind of a blur. Mainly because I was still recovering from the birth. Her birth went really well and luckily physically it didn't take me too long to feel better. I had her stay in the nursery at night so that I could try and get some sleep, but the only comfortable position for me was to lay on my back and I have never been able to sleep very good in that position. Paul slept just fine on the couch though because his snoring would also wake me up. The first night he kept the couch where it was so I had to yell his name to get him to wake up and stop snoring. Ha ha that was a rude awakening to him multiple times. But I was a moody crazy person so I didn't care much. The second night he got smart and moved it next to my bed so I could reach him and just shake him awake and tell him to stop like I normally do at home. Ha ha. 

But those first two weeks were ROUGH. My sister in law described it as feeling like you are in the trenches and I think that pretty much sums it up. 

Combining not being able to move around very easily with major lack of sleep and having my body adjust to all the hormones leaving (which brought on major body temperature changes. One minute I would be boiling hot and then the next I would be shaking from being so cold. And I didn't really have an appetite. That lasted off and on for about 5 days post-partum). I walked around like an old lady for the first 2 weeks because well, that was about all I could do. 

I struggled with nursing the first few days. At first I felt like I would never get it down without having 5 extra arms and wondered how in the HECK people made it look so easy. Lauren wasn't very good at latching so it really took a toll on me emotionally when I would try and try and try and TRY and it wouldn't work and she would be screaming and I would start crying thinking I'm this horrible mother who can't even feed her baby and that she'll starve and it will all be my fault. Yes, those were actual thoughts in my head.

That leads me onto the mom guilt stuff: It was really hard at first to hear her cry. Because she doesn't have a small cry. It is SHRILL and LOUD and would happen every time we changed her diaper. Every time. And newborns are constantly pooping and peeing in my opinion so that was a lot of fun. NOT. Oh, and she hated bath time with a vengeance. Thankfully both have gotten better. (She still has her moments but I know she's just a drama queen and I'm used to the cry now so it doesn't bother me.) Every time she would cry that hard I would panic and wonder if there were a billion different physical things wrong with her or if I was doing something wrong, etc.

Like I said, nothing prepared me for all this emotional stuff I would feel. I know it was all magnified by the lack of sleep, making it a horrible combination. I definitely had my share of good cries within those first two weeks and LOTS of heartfelt prayers to Heavenly Father asking for help because there was no way I could do any of this on my own. No way. 

Yet between all the really really REALLY hard times, there were plenty of wonderful moments. There is that unexplainable love I have for her. I look at her and marvel that she is real and that I am her mother and it brings me so much joy I don't even know how to describe it. I do feel so blessed that I get to be with her all day and get to know her so well. She's already my little buddy and I love it. 

Paul gave me a couple really good heartfelt blessings. One thing he said during one was that Heavenly Father did not send her down to us to watch us fail as parents. That was exactly what I needed to hear and I know it's true. I can do this whole parenthood thing. Even though I have no clue WHAT I am doing, somehow I'm doing it and I know that was how Heavenly Father planned it to be. He knew I wouldn't know what to do and that I would need his help. It's been such a blessing and testimony builder to know that he is always there ready to help.

And Paul. He has been such a rock for me to rely on this whole time. He will take her when she fusses and is even willing to get up with her in the night if it's between feedings and she won't sleep so that I can get some shut eye, even though he has to work. He has supported me emotionally and I love him all the more for it. He already is an amazing dad.

It HAS gotten better. I will say that. Sure there are still plenty of times that I just think "I wish you could just TELL me why you are crying. It would make this so much easier." But I am figuring out what works to calm her down, and we've established a pretty good schedule too. During the day she eats about every 4 hours (on the dot, mind you), and in the evenings we are doing our best to keep her awake so that she'll sleep for longer stretches at night. It's been working pretty good even though she doesn't like having to stay awake at that time. I'll take a few hours of fussing in the evening to her being awake all night any day though. Getting a good 3 1/2 to 4 hour stretch of sleep at night has done wonders for me. I never thought I would say that. And she's getting so much cuter and is SO CLOSE to smiling I can't wait until it actually happens. I kiss her cheeks a lot and I can tell she likes it because her eyes get all big and she opens her mouth and turns it towards mine where I'm kissing her so I know if she could smile and laugh she totally would be doing it. Sometimes I think it excites her too much and she poops herself. Ha ha it's funny. It's also funny when she wakes up for a few minutes just to poop. I can always tell because I can hear it from across the room. It's hilarious. Who knew a little body had so much power. 

Now onto some pictures from the past few weeks:

Visits from her cousins. They were so cute with her.

This is her at 2 weeks. Love this face.

2 and a half weeks. Like I said, Paul is so awesome. He never gets tired of her either. I love them.

I tried to capture the milk drunk look she gets. It is SO CUTE. She does this little squeal and just zonks out on my shoulder with milk dribbling down her face. I can't get enough of it.

This is at three weeks. I finally busted out some headbands and of course think she is so freaking cute.

Mom was a life saver that first week. This is Lauren's namesake (Her middle name, Amy). It was so nice to have her around as emotional support as well as cleaning and organizing my house! She came by again this past weekend for a quick visit on her way out of town.

And then for the past few days my older sister Tonya was here to visit! It was so nice having her around too. We went out to Target and Downeast and just talked and talked. It was so nice to have another adult around during the day to talk to! She also helped out a TON and made us dinner and cleaned my floors and kitchen. It was awesome. Come again soon Aunt Candy! Ha ha.

I know I should put up a one month stat thing, but this post is already long enough. I'll do that when I get around to posting again. . . which who knows when that will be! Ha ha.