The Weird Inbetween

This post is personal. So if you cringe at reading about that kind of stuff, or are an eye roller and immediately think "Personal post=most likely someone whining about stuff I don't care about", then maybe skip this one. Go back to your candy crush game, Pinterest, or whatever else you do to waste time on the internet.

One more thing, this post is LONG. Like, really LONG.

I'm going to get real here. Real about my body and all the thoughts about it. This is hard for me to post because you all know how passionate I am about positive body image. And right now I am struggling.

Let's start from the "beginning". (Beginning in quotations because I'm talking junior high/high school. Not the actual beginning of my life).

Looking back, I cannot recall a time in my adolescence where I remember looking at my body in the mirror and thinking I was fat, or hating my thighs/bum/stomach. In fact, I don't remember giving any of that a second thought. I want to say it was a combination of being active in sports and growing up with a mother who was active because it was what she loved to do. I never heard her call herself fat, or make any negative comments about her own appearance. And I never heard her say anything negative about my body either. Negative body image never crossed my mind. I realized years later how "abmormal" that was.

 I don't remember having "food rules". Yes, we had fruit and vegetables daily. Yes, we knew we were only allowed two cookies for dessert, but I don't remember being told that if I had more than two cookies I would get fat. Or that sugar would kill me one day. I doubt my mom restricted our cookie intake for just those reasons (if she even thought them). Either I totally tuned out my mom saying that stuff while eagerly reaching for the cookies I knew I could have, or else my memory is correct in that we did not grow up in a home where we were told there were good and bad foods.

The first time I ever dabbled in having some negative body image thoughts was during my second year of college. I had a horrible first semester down at LDS Business College living far away from home for the first time and had a couple roommates that were honestly quite terrible. Looking back on my behavior, I realized I turned to food for a stress relief. It only lasted a few months, but when I was home for the holidays I realized that what I was doing was not making me happy. My body and soul just felt off and gross, to be honest. I vowed when I went back for my second semester that I would lose weight.

And I did, but it wasn't in a healthy way. I didn't work out and switch to eating better wholesome foods. I just ate less. A LOT less. I remember sometimes taking only a bag of carrots to eat for lunch at school/work and STARVING but secretly being proud of myself for working on losing that stress weight so quickly. And I did. I lost it after a couple months and then went back to what I think was more normal. A lot of that had to do with me being a lot more happy in my environment. I had my best friend as my roommate and we moved into an awesome/super ghetto house in a beautiful part of Salt Lake. I was done with school and making new friends. Life was good, so thoughts about my body/food were completely off my mind. Working at an eating disorder clinic really opened my eyes on how easily most people turn to food as a coping mechanism, whether it's binging or restricting, or both. It helped me realize that what I had done briefly was just that: coping. It helped me realize that I never wanted to do that again, that there were healthy ways to lose and maintain weight. That food was not the enemy, we are the ones who make it the enemy sometimes. I really felt like I was back in a place mentally where I was fine with my body. I did what I could to work out and eat mostly healthy. Negative body image thoughts were not there.

Until I became pregnant.

Sorry if that's a shock and a disappointment to some (or all) of you, but it's the truth. I've jokingly talked about in previous posts what some people have said to me without realizing how they sound. (aka "You're going to have a BIG baby!" or "Wow, you look a lot farther along than you really are!" Or another one I just heard last week "How much did your baby weigh? Because it looked like you were going to have a 10 pound baby at least!" -bless that old lady's heart.) Once I became pregnant, my body became the focus point of everything. Everything I ate I was thinking "Is this good for my baby? is this going to pack on extra pounds that aren't needed?" And it seemed everything people talked to me about was my body. Most information I read told me I would only need to gain an average of 25-35 extra pounds during pregnancy. Well guess what? I gained WAY more. We're talking at least 50 pounds. I hated getting on that scale at the doctor's office every month as I progressed through my pregnancy. I hated that I was starting to do what I ranted and raved about to tell people NOT to do-let a number affect how I felt about myself. Sure, a part of me knew it was all "normal", but another part of me felt embarrassed and slightly appalled. I tried my best while I was pregnant to work out and eat healthy. I was constantly CONSTANTLY hungry. I ate a lot because if I didn't, I felt sick. I tried to eat well. The number kept going up. I stopped looking. (Mainly because my belly got so big that I couldn't see the number on the scale. It was a blessing in disguise.) I had this internal battle going on inside my head the whole time of trying not to care but finding myself still worrying.

Sure, everyone carries differently. Everyone has their own unique body type. Once again, I was more aware of my body image than I ever had been. And it was frustrating.

February 27th came and out came my child. My brand new, beautiful perfect child. And like pretty much all pregnancies, I lost a majority of the weight gained during those first 6 weeks. When I stepped on that scale at my 6 week post partum appointment, I was impressed to see how much my body had just naturally lost. I was now only roughly 15 pounds over the weight I was before I was pregnant.

And now I am in a totally new phase of my body. Pregnancy really stretched out and expanded parts of me. Loose skin, stretch marks, giant boobs, you get the picture. I'm in the weird "in between" stage because my maternity pants are too loose, but my pre-pregnancy jeans are still too tight. I tried to convince myself to not even try them on for a few more months, but curiosity got the better of me. I ended up going to Savers and buying a few pairs of bigger pants because I have no idea when, or if ever, I'll be able to fit into those again. And yes, it was still somewhat depressing even though I KNOW I have a good excuse of having just had a child. Believe me when I tell you little Lauren is a wonderful blessing in my life and I wouldn't think twice about giving up my body again for a little nugget of joy like her.

I'm struggling with feeling guilty/annoyed at myself for wanting my "pre-baby body" back as badly as I do. I've always loathed those stupid magazines by the check out stands that boast of ways to help you get your pre-pregnancy body back with these "simple tips", to which I'm sure most aren't healthy.

I understand that it's a work in progress. I understand I'm only 2 months post partum. I understand it will take a while. The healthy way will, at least. I've really been trying (and I think succeeding) to eat healthier foods. We eat a lot more whole foods in our diet, and I am making an effort to work out. I'm trying to enjoy moving my body again instead of only doing it to lose weight. I do believe that my body will become balanced again and be where it is supposed to be.

I think my main fear deep down is that where my body is supposed to be from now on will never be back to what it was before. And deep down I'm afraid that I'll resent that. Part of me understands that having a baby changes everything. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm also afraid that now that I've admitted that out loud on this blog, that some of you will judge me. That you will think that I'm ungrateful and narrow minded in thinking this way about my body after giving birth. I guess you can feel that way, and I can't control that. But in a way, it feels nice to blog about this, especially if I hear that others have felt this same way. I'm not posting this to fish for compliments about my body. I'm not posting this to get pats on the back and being told that everything will work out and be just fine and that I just need to be patient. I'm posting because this is how I feel. And the one goal I've always had with blogging is to be real and own up to my feelings and lay it out. I guess I just have a lot to say on this topic right now.

So there you have it. If you've made it this far without falling asleep or going back to Pinterest, I'm giving you a virtual high five.

A gloomy day....so i might as well blog

It's really cloudy/kind of muggy outside. . . .Lauren has decided she wants to be grumpy all morning and only find happiness in being swaddled and constantly bounced in her bouncer with a binky shoved in her mouth. . . . so here I am, binging on my Easter candy and watching too many episodes of Ugly Betty while my child is in reach of my foot so I can bounce her when she fusses. (She did have a great night last night though. . . slept a good 7 hours so I got what felt like an almost full night's rest! And after she woke up around 5 to eat fell right back to sleep until 8. She has been going longer and longer at night and after she has her middle of the night feed going right back to sleep. It's been great! I know it can all change in an instant, but I'm finally letting myself have hope that she's telling the difference between night and day.

And now onto some pictures because let's be honest, you all want to see them. 

She's growing so fast, I realized there are some outfits that I hadn't put her in yet and don't want to try and one day see that she doesn't fit into them anymore. 

Look at those cute overalls! Just so you know, she was pooping right as I took this picture. Hence the big eyes.

And here is a picture of those delicious cheeks. They are constantly getting kissed.

By the way, besides yesterday and today with the binging of Easter candy, I HAVE been trying to do better about eating healthy, and getting back into working out.  I'm a snacker, so I've been trying to make sure I have a good healthy, filling snack to go to instead of cookies or other crap. Below is a picture of an awesome hummus I made. It was a sweet potato curry hummus. SO good. I will be making that again.

Now back to my child. She likes her binky, but when she actually falls asleep she usually spits it out. Looks like this time it didn't make it very far.

The closest I could get to a smile. She does it a lot and it helps me feel like I'm actually doing something right in taking care of her! 

She really enjoys tummy time, obviously.

She now loves bath time, and is getting better about not screaming when we take her out. Here's my cute little duck.

One other picture of not my child: the only picture I took on Easter. We went to Paul's parents for dinner and some egg/basket hunting. Afterwards our nieces wanted Paul to spin them over and over again. He got quite a good workout. It was a lovely holiday. We ended the night watching "The Testaments", with just our little family. It was a wonderful reminder of the amazing sacrifice of Christ and because of him I can be with my family forever. I love Easter.

I feel like she looks a little creepy in this picture, but I tried to get a shot of how good she is getting at holding up her head. She HATES tummy time when I make her do it, but loves holding her head up when we put her up on our shoulders. She likes to look around and it is so cute.

And here's a little taste of how things have been going today:

A few more tidbits about the little lady:

She's already in 3-6 month clothing and isn't even 2 months old yet (though she will be on Sunday). Like I said earlier, she's doing SO much better about sleeping at night, which helps my sanity. She also used to hate getting her diaper changed, but now looooves her changing table. That's where she smiles and talks to me the most. And now HATES it when I take her off of it. What a weirdy. 

But she's CUTE.

(P.S. this is for Andrea. . . my post about you is in the works. Ha ha. I'm just making sure I have some good pictures! So stop reminding me about it!!)

Stuff mostly about my child

You really shouldn't be surprised that this little nugget will be the bulk of my posts from now on. She's who I spend my time with all day, every day.  And can you blame me for being completely smitten?

Look at that double chin! And this is the closest to smiling she is getting right now. . so close!

Below is how she keeps me company most of the day. Let me tell you, this bouncer thing is AMAZING. All I have to do is plop her in it when I need to get stuff done and as long as she's within reach of my foot rocking her in it, we are golden. In this picture she's keeping me company while I get ready for the day. She's getting to the point where she can focus on a lot more things and finds a lot of weird things fascinating, like this cupboard. She likes to stare at lights especially. Like a moth to the flame. . . . 

Like I said, she's able to focus easier on things, so it's a lot more entertaining. She's cooing a lot more too. It's really cute. She turns her head when she hears me or Paul talking. 

This happened while I was making dinner one night. She loves it when we sing to her, but this she was unsure about. Meaning, she acted like she liked it for about 10 minutes. . .then started to cry. Overstimulation, perhaps?

I found out she likes it when I make that sound when you are rolling your tongue, or when you click it. She makes this face every time and sticks out her tongue. So cute.

Other things going on:

-I realize I want to throat punch anyone that tells me their newborn was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks or however old. . .do you really think a sleep deprived parent wants to hear about that??? She's not a horrible sleeper, but she still wakes up one to two times a night wanting to eat. Sometimes she eats and then goes right back to sleep. Sometimes she wants to stay awake and hang out. Sometimes she sleeps for a good 6 hour stretch. Sometimes it's only 3 1/2. I may or may not have had a little melt down the other day because my sleep deprived brain was desperately wanting her to somehow be consistent and sleep longer and it just isn't happening yet. That's what I'm trying to remember at 2 in the morning. That she's still a tiny baby and it will take time. But it will happen, right??? Someday we'll get our evenings back when she goes to bed at like 7 and we'll have a good stretch of sleep before she wakes up again, right?????

-It's been an adjustment going from working full time to being a mom full time. The main thing that's been hard is to not have adult company around to talk to. Sure I talk with Lauren, but it's different, as we all know. And I miss two sided conversations. All the billing stuff I did I don't miss one bit, but the company was fun. 

-Right now my clothes fit. . . .weird. My body is weird to me right now. I'm still wearing maternity pants and mainly just t-shirts because they are comfy. I haven't even tried to put on my pre-pregnancy jeans. I know I'm not fat or whatever, but there are definite changes and I am interested to see how much stays changed, or how much will go back to normal. I have my 6 week follow up appointment next week and I'm assuming everything is fine and I'll get the ok to work out and I plan to (I know that I'll be needing those endorphines to help me mentally and physically stay upbeat.) I'm trying to mentally tell myself that it took 9 months for my body to go through these changes in the first place, so I need to give myself 9 months to get back.

And that's about it for now. My life now revolves around this tiny human. And yes, I will admit that it is TIRING a lot of the time and weird to think that this is my life now. . . . forever. But she is so cute and I'm so smitten that I know it's a sacrifice worth making.