Some thoughts

I feel like I should blog. . . . so. . . here I am!

I know I haven't posted very much about how this pregnancy is going, and that's half been on purpose, half I've forgotten. The half on purpose part is because I feel terrible saying this, but in the past I would get so annoyed by a lot of blogs I would read when the author was pregnant. Mainly because one they found out they were pregnant, that was all they would post about! I do understand that it is obviously a major life-changing event and is constantly happening for 9 months, but other things happen to!

I also haven't been posting about it on purpose because I have guilt. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I feel like I already am struggling with that a lot because even though every day I am grateful to be pregnant, I'm not always in the moment appreciative of it. Insert the guilt right there- I know plenty of wonderful people who would love to be pregnant and have children right now and for some reason Heavenly Father is working with them in different ways. So I shouldn't complain that we have not (yet) struggled with that.

But since this is my blog, I guess I can say what I want, and I will tell you what I have been struggling with. I am human, and even though I wish I could just feel like one of those pregnant women who are constantly glowing and bursting with joy, I feel like many days I fall short of that.

The first trimester was really hard for me. Never in my life have I felt that constantly sick for that long of a time. I was already wishing away the upcoming weeks of my pregnancy and praying constantly every day that I would not be one of those women who felt sick the whole time. I kept thinking in my head every day thoughts like "Just make to next week, you'll be one week closer to the end of your first trimester" or "You can do this. You did it yesterday. You can do it today."  The rough 6 weeks I went through seemed like an eternity at the time. I remember just going to bed crying many nights because I was torn between being so happy to know that a baby would be coming into our lives, and then also crying because I felt so sick and no matter what I did the nausea was always there. Going into work was so hard. I did thank Heavenly Father every day that I worked at a place that was understanding when I called in sick for a few hours every once in a while because I had just thrown up my breakfast, or lunch, or snack. There were quite a few days when I remember telling my boss "I don't know if I'll make it much longer here today." Somehow I always did and thankfully I never got sick at work. It was always at home. But still. Labor Day weekend was the first weekend I woke up not feeling so sick and I'm pretty sure I cried because I was so relieved to start to feel somewhat normal again.

And throughout all of that I had guilt because I wasn't appreciating my pregnancy like I felt I should.

Now that I'm well into the second trimester I do feel almost completely normal, except for the constant hiccuping, heartburn, and bloating I experience every day no matter what I eat, or the fact that I am still so hungry and I'm annoyed that I'm so hungry because I'm just sick of eating food. Or that my hips hurt and wake me up in the middle of the night because I can no longer sleep on my stomach. Or the fact that my acne has been the worst I've ever experienced, or that Paul pointed out I had two dark hairs growing on my cheeks. Or that milk, yogurt, cold cereal, and apples so far make me feel sick still. Yeah, other than that, completely normal.

But then there are amazing things about being pregnant that I really do appreciate and am in awe about. Like the fact that every ultrasound I've had so far I know if I was allowed I could just sit for hours and watch her wiggle around in there. Or the fact that every day I now feel her moving and I love that it's a constant reminder that she is always with me, wherever I go right now. Or feeling so blessed and relieved that so far everything is developing just how it should and she is healthy. Or seeing how excited Paul got when we found a rocking chair over the weekend and how he now refers to us in the plural whenever we are going somewhere, like "Alright ladies, let's get going."

I am terrified out of my mind to be a mother. I have no clue what I'm getting myself into and I know that's how every parent feels. But I'm still terrified. And yet at the same time I'm so excited. I know Heavenly Father is blessing me immensely and has trust in me that I will take care of His daughter, and that's what I plan to do.

I realize this post may be way random and probably sounds whiny, but I just felt like sharing my thoughts. .  . . .hopefully some of it makes sense and you don't take away that I am not grateful for where I am in life right now. Quite the opposite-I am so overcome with gratitude that I don't even know how to express it.

Picture Dump

Ok, a lot of catching up is needed, so let's get down to busniess! To defeat. . . the Huns! (Ha ha ha only if you're part of my family and have the Mulan songbook memorized will you probably find that funny.)

Let's start with the weekend visiting family for Jodee's farewell. Little sis is now in the MTC getting ready to go out to San Antonio Texas! I can't believe she is old enough to go on a mission, but at the same time I'm not surprised because she is so spiritual already and full of light and love that I'm sure she will bless many people in Texas. So happy for her!

Friday night I rode up with little brother Alex because Paul stayed behind for a show he played in that night. I really wanted to get up there Friday night for the EMOTION BOWL! I tried to convince Paul of it's coolness, but alas, he just doesn't get it. The guy is already not into any team sports. In fact, I watch more sports than he does on TV, and all I watch is the Olympics. Maybe that give you an idea. Anyways, it was fun to go with the siblings and put on my Tiger pride sweatshirt again and cheer for the winning team! It was pretty cold though and windy. But still, fun times.

Yep, we sure are pretty.

 Saturday morning Grandma and Charles were nice and took us out to breakfast at a 50's diner. I actually worked there one summer and it was horrible (that is another story for another day), but going there as a customer was great! I only snagged this one cute picture though of my beautiful sister-in-law Hayley, and her cutie little baby Adalyn. Seriously, I'm obsessed with her cheeks. Adalyn's, not Hayley's.

I don't really remember what else we did on Saturday, not much I think, or else I would remember! Oh, we helped my Mom get everything ready for the little lunch thing they planned on doing after Jodee's farewell. Exciting. 

Took this picture during the festivities on Sunday after Jodee gave a wonderful talk. Her sweet spirit really will be missed around here! I can't believe the next time I will see her I will have a one year old.

We tried to get a picture of all the girl cousins together. Below is just one of many attempts to get them to cooperate. Ashlyn did great because she had a cookie. Grace though, as you can see on the left, would have none of it. Adalyn just cried because everyone was in her face trying to get a decent picture. It was hilarious, actually.

Monday morning Paul and I headed to Sun Valley for a little anniversary trip. It's been three years! Wahoo! We didn't really plan much, just wanted some much needed rest and relaxation. We rented a cute little studio condo for two nights and it was glorious! 

We were really boring on this trip, which was just how we like it! We visited off season so there wasn't a lot to do anyways, and everything closed at like 5 each night! But it was gorgeous and wonderful.

 We did venture out and eat at a lovely little place called Perry's. If you're ever in Sun Valley, go there! Reasonably priced and awesome delicious food.  As you can tell below:

I tried to get a good picture of the bright red leaves behind us. The sun was so briiiiight though. And I couldn't find my sunglasses for the whole trip. . turned out they were in my backpack the whole time that was with us on the trip. I found them when we were unpacking. Go figure.

And that's all the pictures I took. I know, I'm really awesome about picture taking. Oh well. We really enjoyed our time there!