Fab 5

You know, I feel a little sheepish admitting this, but I used to be one of those people who rolled their eyes whenever I heard women say things about motherhood like "Being a mom is hard, but sooooo worth it." I would just get sick of hearing it because I obviously had no idea what they were talking about. Well, now I do. And YES, I agree a billion times with that statement now. 

But in a way I always wished that moms would get a little bit more specific about what exactly was so hard, and yet what still made it worth it. I obviously have very little experience in the motherhood area, but I do understand somewhat now. I understand what is hard for me. And I will tell you a little bit about what is hard. 

It's hard to have no clue how your day is going to go. And it's hard to be home most of the time, doing your best to keep this little human on a "schedule" and pray that they will nap in the car on your way to your destination so that you won't have to deal with them screaming while you are out in public. And then it's hard when it doesn't go how you planned at all and you just have to figure out how to deal with it in the moment. It's hard having a child who decides they don't like other people besides you and your husband and scream bloody murder when anyone else holds them, because then you don't really get a break. It's hard doing the same thing day after day after day and right when you think you've got them figured out, they grow and CHANGE and you are back at square one. It's hard going on trips because you have to pack way more stuff like diapers and wipes and oh should I bring the bouncer so she has somewhere to lay besides in my arms? What about our baby monitor so that we can hear her? Will there be a plug in the room she's sleeping so we can plug in the sound machine? What time should we leave so that we can drive while she'll nap and not have to stop and feed her somewhere? Do we have extra clothes in case she has a blow out in the car? Then it's hard going on a vacay because you JUST got your child on a decent schedule and now you are out of town doing abnormal stuff and that schedule is flying out the window and you are helping your kid take naps when there's a window of time and it's probably just going to be in your lap and you're just going to have to sit in the same spot and "visit" instead of doing stuff because if your child doesn't nap then this super lame thing called "overtiredness" occurs and your baby becomes TOO tired to sleep and just cries and then you just want to cry because it's all just SO HARD and you realize you are just flying on the seat of your pants doing this whole parent thing and are thinking if only there was a specific instruction manual for your child out there somewhere so that you could actually feel like a champ parent for more than 5 minutes, then maybe the stress would ease a little bit. *deep breath*

So yes, I'm starting to get why it's so hard. 

And thankfully, I am also getting that second part. The whole "it's so worth it" part too. That part is harder to put into words. I just look at this tiny human and there's this love you can't describe and even though it is hard and sometimes you feel like you are beyond the breaking point and have no clue what else to do, you will keep trying. You will not give up on this tiny human because of this love. And you start to get this little glimpse of the whole point of being here and why the family is central to the great plan of happiness because for some reason raising children still brings joy a midst all the hard stuff. Like, when you lay next to your child playing on the floor and she rolls to her side to face you and puts her hands on your face and gives you the biggest toothless smile anyone has ever seen and you know you are her favorite person in the world. Or when you realize she is the only person you will do absolutely ANYTHING for to get a laugh out of her, like to the point of pretending to cough/throw up because she finds that stuff hilarious. And when you go in to check on her before you go to bed and she is actually sleeping and looks like she is sleeping soundly and is all sprawled out her in crib and you can tell she's content and your heart just about bursts of love for her. That's the kind of stuff that makes it worth it. 

Ok, motherhood rant OVER for right now. Now I have to catch up on this past month. 

Little Lauren Amy is now 5 months. No longer a newborn, just a full blown baby. Grabbing at stuff and shoving it in her mouth (this includes my hair. She has a vicelike grip!) eatin' her solids like a champ. The girl loves food. I haven't really ventured much outside the oatmeal and rice cereal stuff yet. She's only tried bananas and pears so far and isn't too big a fan of the bananas, but likes the pears pretty well. We'll see what else she'll prefer.

Lauren's first trip out to the Siddoway cabin by Vernal was actually a good trip. I'm trying to remember to have super low expectation when traveling with a child so that if things actually go well, it's awesome! And if not. . well, then it's what I expected. Anyways, she had to sleep in the same room as us which I was NOT looking forward to, but she actually did pretty well. We had gotten to the point a couple weeks before this trip that we had to do the cry it out method with her because she was seriously waking up every 45 minutes night after night and I was so sick of feeling like a zombie that we just did it. And it worked like a charm! She still cries some nights, but it's never for very long and she sleeps SO MUCH BETTER. It was so SO worth it.

Anyways, the cabin trip was awesome. So relaxing. Like, I read-a-whole-book kind of relaxing. I love how quiet it is up there. And it's gorgeous. I'm glad Lauren will have that place to go visit each summer just like Paul did growing up.

 Speaking of Paul, I feel like she is looking more and more like him as she is getting older. She already has the brown eyes. And we compared pictures of him as a little kid and she is so similar.

 We also got this walker from my parents. Pretty sure it is at least 20 years old, but it has stood the test of time! She's not cruising around in it yet, but she does push herself backwards in it and enjoys it when she's not tired. I can tell she's done with it when she starts to fuss and just lean really far forward. It's kind of funny.

 This was what I found when I went in to check on her after a cry-it-out session happened during naptime one day. Looks so comfy. . . .

She might be a gymnast some day.

A few more things about her-

I've almost got her completely weaned off of me. After weighing all the pros and cons, it in the end came down to my sanity and I decided that formula was the way to go with her now. She doesn't fight the bottle, I don't have all this pressure on trying to figure out what I ate that she didn't like and overall it's just going better. 

She's rolling to her sides and is really close to rolling over, just hasn't quite done it yet. And she's scooting around a lot more when she's on her tummy towards things she wants to grab. She likes to laugh when we do dumb things. She's like me-loves to be entertained by weird stuff. She's already outgrown her 6-9 month clothes and is now in 9-12 month stuff. Her head is still giant and her poop is now a lot more gross to me that she is eating solids. Less blowouts, but nastier stuff. If she poops while Paul is home I always make him change her. Ha ha. Unfortunately that's not often. He needs his share if you ask me. 

And there you have it. Another month come and gone. 

In Memoriam

I don't know if I will actually be able to put into words the emotions I have been feeling this past week, but I want to try. 

Emma became a good friend of mine our senior year of high school. I have memories of playing card games and watching movies in her basement multiple times. I have memories of having good heart to heart talks in her car late into the night. Mostly about boys, but also about life. I loved those talks because afterwards I always felt better. Emma had a way of making people feel better. 

As I have been reflecting on all the memories I do have of her, I do not have a single bad one. I don't recall her ever saying mean things about anyone. Ever. She was not that kind of person. Perhaps that's another reason why I loved being her friend- she was someone I looked up to and wanted to be like. 

To try and put into words the grief and heartache I felt when I was told of her passing is not possible. All I felt was numb shock. Not Emma, who was  pregnant with her second child. Not Emma, who still kept in touch with me via our own personal blogs and other forms of social media because she lived across the country. Not Emma, who was one of the most Christ-like people I have ever known. Why her? Why right now? 

That was my reaction. 

I cannot even begin to imagine the grief and pain her husband and family members are experiencing right now. All I know is my own grief. It has been hard to accept that she really is no longer on this earth. 

But what is so amazing about having the knowledge of the gospel in my life is while I am still grieving, I have peace. I know that Emma is already doing marvelous work on the other side. Heavenly Father needed her to come back. Just as she served so many people here during her life, she is now serving so many more beyond the veil. I don't doubt that for a second.

Her funeral was a beautiful service. I am so glad I was able to attend and honor the life she did live here on earth. And I am so glad that she was part of my life. She always will be. 

I know this is not goodbye. 

How grateful I am for the Atonement at a time like this. Jesus Christ knows the pain of grieving for someone who has died. He grieved for his friend Lazarus, even though he had the power to raise him from the dead. Jesus Christ has felt that pain. And because he has, he is the one we can turn to because he DOES understand. And he CAN make us stronger. He wants to make us stronger.

I have a testimony of that. 

I love you Emma. I am looking forward to the day that I can see you again.