I feel like I should blog. . . . so. . . here I am!
I know I haven't posted very much about how this pregnancy is going, and that's half been on purpose, half I've forgotten. The half on purpose part is because I feel terrible saying this, but in the past I would get so annoyed by a lot of blogs I would read when the author was pregnant. Mainly because one they found out they were pregnant, that was all they would post about! I do understand that it is obviously a major life-changing event and is constantly happening for 9 months, but other things happen to!
I also haven't been posting about it on purpose because I have guilt. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I feel like I already am struggling with that a lot because even though every day I am grateful to be pregnant, I'm not always in the moment appreciative of it. Insert the guilt right there- I know plenty of wonderful people who would love to be pregnant and have children right now and for some reason Heavenly Father is working with them in different ways. So I shouldn't complain that we have not (yet) struggled with that.
But since this is my blog, I guess I can say what I want, and I will tell you what I have been struggling with. I am human, and even though I wish I could just feel like one of those pregnant women who are constantly glowing and bursting with joy, I feel like many days I fall short of that.
The first trimester was really hard for me. Never in my life have I felt that constantly sick for that long of a time. I was already wishing away the upcoming weeks of my pregnancy and praying constantly every day that I would not be one of those women who felt sick the whole time. I kept thinking in my head every day thoughts like "Just make to next week, you'll be one week closer to the end of your first trimester" or "You can do this. You did it yesterday. You can do it today." The rough 6 weeks I went through seemed like an eternity at the time. I remember just going to bed crying many nights because I was torn between being so happy to know that a baby would be coming into our lives, and then also crying because I felt so sick and no matter what I did the nausea was always there. Going into work was so hard. I did thank Heavenly Father every day that I worked at a place that was understanding when I called in sick for a few hours every once in a while because I had just thrown up my breakfast, or lunch, or snack. There were quite a few days when I remember telling my boss "I don't know if I'll make it much longer here today." Somehow I always did and thankfully I never got sick at work. It was always at home. But still. Labor Day weekend was the first weekend I woke up not feeling so sick and I'm pretty sure I cried because I was so relieved to start to feel somewhat normal again.
And throughout all of that I had guilt because I wasn't appreciating my pregnancy like I felt I should.
Now that I'm well into the second trimester I do feel almost completely normal, except for the constant hiccuping, heartburn, and bloating I experience every day no matter what I eat, or the fact that I am still so hungry and I'm annoyed that I'm so hungry because I'm just sick of eating food. Or that my hips hurt and wake me up in the middle of the night because I can no longer sleep on my stomach. Or the fact that my acne has been the worst I've ever experienced, or that Paul pointed out I had two dark hairs growing on my cheeks. Or that milk, yogurt, cold cereal, and apples so far make me feel sick still. Yeah, other than that, completely normal.
But then there are amazing things about being pregnant that I really do appreciate and am in awe about. Like the fact that every ultrasound I've had so far I know if I was allowed I could just sit for hours and watch her wiggle around in there. Or the fact that every day I now feel her moving and I love that it's a constant reminder that she is always with me, wherever I go right now. Or feeling so blessed and relieved that so far everything is developing just how it should and she is healthy. Or seeing how excited Paul got when we found a rocking chair over the weekend and how he now refers to us in the plural whenever we are going somewhere, like "Alright ladies, let's get going."
I am terrified out of my mind to be a mother. I have no clue what I'm getting myself into and I know that's how every parent feels. But I'm still terrified. And yet at the same time I'm so excited. I know Heavenly Father is blessing me immensely and has trust in me that I will take care of His daughter, and that's what I plan to do.
I realize this post may be way random and probably sounds whiny, but I just felt like sharing my thoughts. . . . .hopefully some of it makes sense and you don't take away that I am not grateful for where I am in life right now. Quite the opposite-I am so overcome with gratitude that I don't even know how to express it.
Loved this post...you just put into words how I felt while being pregnant. It is hard, miserable,etc...but in the end you get a cute baby:)
ReplyDeleteTara! I'm so glad you wrote about the wonderful and horrible feelings of pregnancy. Maybe this will help someone else, or yourself again someday, who is reading blogs about people glowing and feeling amazing during pregnancy and they feel guilty that they don't feel that way. So I'm glad you went out on a limb and just said how you feel. Yes, you are obviously very grateful to be having a baby (girl! yay!), but it's definitely human and okay to feel miserable and terrified some days too! Just let yourself feel it for a while and then move on with your day; that's what my mom always tells me. Allow yourself to wallow in your misery for a set amount of time, 10 minutes or whatever, and then just say, "Okay self, let's get on to some other activity." In a few months you'll be rocking a baby and it's totally worth it! I'm so excited to see you be a mom! You HAVE to post pictures of you pregnant; I still haven't seen any! And that is so super cute that Paul says, "alright ladies." :) You guys are going to be the coolest parents!
ReplyDeletePS, I'm going to write to you soon!
Second trimester is my favorite :) It is so much easier to relax when you can feel the baby move and after you have had an ultrasound that turns out wonderfully. It's ok to not love it every second of the day. I don't think any pregnant woman has been happy all the time.
ReplyDeleteI really miss sleeping on my stomach too! Have you tried using a body pillow or a pregnancy pillow when you sleep? That helps me get comfortable when laying on my side all night. It may help your hips.
Lastly, it is so attractive to watch husbands become fathers. I fell in love with my husband all over again when Logan was born, just watching them together. It is a special time, even if it doesn't always feel special :)
Aw, Tar! Yay for keeping it real. :) I hope I'm not the reason you feel guilty, that makes ME feel guilty. I have felt so bad with how sick you were, I am SO glad you're feeling like yourself (sort of) again now! And even though you may be terrified I am EXCIIIIIITEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure most of us who are mothers would also say that we were freaked out about becoming a mother! I experienced a lot of the same things you described. During pregnancy, I was happy to be pregnant (I didn't go through all the sickness you've had to deal with), but I was constantly the "negative" thinker of the two of us. Sam would always look around at all the cute babies at church and all I could do was say, "yes, but [insert something about baby crying/not getting any sleep/big responsibility/you can never go back/etc.]" I was so unsure that I was ready, and I was also so nervous about the delivery part! But, I lived through it. It was not pretty, but I did.
ReplyDeleteOnce you become a parent, it's kind of surreal. I still stop myself during the day sometimes, look at Grace, and think "she's ours." It's weird because everyday, you just live life. You make decisions about what's going to happen, or how you'll handle this or that. And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. but eventually, you fall into a groove with your own parenting style. And you also realize that even though you don't know all the answers, you'll still figure it out. You figure it out as you go.
Anyway! Feel free to call and talk about stuff whenever you want. I love to talk about all of this. As you can see. ;)
Also, Sam was also excited when we found out we were having a girl so that he could call us "his ladies."
I cried. You are an amazing woman
ReplyDelete