Back tracking

I have a little catching up to do. And of course, it is mostly about our little lady. But FIRST, I have something important to talk about. I was singing this song yesterday (because who DOESN'T get this Blue song stuck in their head every once in a while? Let's be real-most of you have) and Paul just looked at me weird and said "What in the world are you singing?" And then I looked at him weird and said "That one Blue song that was popular like forever ago!" And he STILL looked weird and said he had no idea what that song was! If anyone listened to the radio in the 90's I'm sure they have heard this song! So, Paul, since you now read my blog, this video is for you.

And yes, everyone, this is the OFFICIAL music video. My, weren't those the good ol' days? And yes, please play this song and listen to it while you all read the rest of this post. 

Now, where was I? Oh yes, about to give you a picture overload of our child again. 

She had her two month check up at the end of April and like we thought, she is in the 65th percentile for weight, and the 90th percentile for height and head circumference. She has a giant noggin. Sometimes it reminds me of this scene from "So I Married an Ax Murderer":

I'm just hoping she grows into it so that people don't think that when she's older. Ha ha. This is why tummy time is not fun for her. I wouldn't like it either if I had to try and lift that thing up! 

Anyways, she discovered her fists a couple weeks ago too, and now takes to gagging herself a lot because she's trying to shove her whole fist into her mouth. It's pretty funny and cute. Well, not the gagging part, but everything else.

We also blessed her on April 27th, her two month birthday. She slept through the whole thing! It was awesome. It was stressful that morning because I was hoping to keep her "on schedule" so that she would be full and happy when the blessing time came, but of course she was completely off. Somehow though she decided a nap would be great anyways. And she really was quite pleasant afterwards too when we had family over at our place for some tacos and visiting.

Oh, and she's smiling. A LOT. It melts my heart every time. Especially in the middle of the night when she wakes up hungry. She's fussing until she sees me and then gets this huge smile on her face. It makes waking up not so bad.

By the way, I hope I am not jinxing myself, but she is really doing well with sleeping at night. I feed her around 8:30 and then she's usually asleep around 9 ish and doesn't wake back up to eat until sometime between 2:30-4:30. Then she eats real quick (she's always been a very efficient nurser, it only takes her like 10 minutes top to eat every time), poops, then falls back asleep after I change her. So most nights I am up for only about a half hour in the middle of the night. I figure it's not so bad because there's a good chance I would wake up to pee around that time anyways. She then doesn't wake back up until around 6-7 ish and wants to eat and then stay up. That's not too bad either since Paul is getting up at that time to get ready for work.

Speaking of PAUL, he had a birthday on April 29th. He is now 28! What an old fart. 2 years away from being 30. WEIRD! His job gives you your birthday as a paid day off, so we got to have him around that day. I made him a german pancake and bacon (of course) for breakfast, and then he went and got a massage in the afternoon as one of his presents. We then had sushi for dinner and I made him an awesome cheesecake. The decorating didn't turn out as good as I was hoping but oh well.

Lauren and I are really lucky to have him around. 

Here is Lauren trying out the bumbo. She looks happy right now, but right after I took this picture she burst into tears. Apparently she's not that big of a fan of it. She still prefers her bouncer. I'm fine with that. (And in case you were wondering, YES, I do usually put a color coordinating headband/ribbon thing on her head every day. I never thought I would be one of those people but guess what??? I am after all.) 

And this is a nifty little thing I found at Babies R Us. It's like a bar of toys that I can clip onto the sides of her bouncer. This will really come in handy when she's older and can grab stuff and needs more entertainment while I'm trying to get stuff done. I was so glad I found this!

She's also still a pretty good snuggler. Except her head gets all sweaty when it's up against my arm and is kind of gross. She must have some Whittier in her because her uncle Alex had (probably still does?) the sweatiest head when he was little! I remember we would be playing and he would look like he had dunked his head in water or something.

This is how she fell asleep the other day. I know she's in a deep sleep when her binky just falls out of her mouth like this and stays there. It's pretty funny.

 It's been weirdly cold here this past week so when we've gone out for walks in the morning I've been able to use this little suit. Paul showed this picture to one of his coworkers and he said she looked like a care bear. Paul thinks she looks like a pink ewok (whatever THAT is. Ha ha j/k. Even I know what an ewok is, though I've sworn I will never ever in my life watch Star Wars again after being traumatized in my childhood from watching it with my Dad and brothers. The part where Luke Skywalker is in this blizzard and he kills this giant white beast and cuts open its belly with his light saber and its guts spill out seriously freaked me out. So no, don't ever ask me to watch that series. I will refuse.)

And one more. She mostly likes to practice lifting her head up while being on one of us. We don't mind. 

I think that's all the catch up I need to do right now! We are just plugging along as usual and watching this girl grow up too fast.

The post Andrea has been waiting for

Seriously. Now that I'm finally posting about my two youngest siblings, she can get off my back about it! Ha ha.

So, without further ado, here is a post dedicated to my two youngest siblings, "the little girls", as they are known in our family.

Let's start with Jodee. The nicest sibling out of my WHOLE family. (You all know it's true! I bet she even does, though she is too nice to ever admit it.)

First off, isn't she a beaut? Ha ha good thing she is on her mission far away in Texas so that she can't get mad that I posted this picture. Just capturing her true self on camera.

Ok, now onto the nice things I need to say about her. Pretty much everything about Jodee is just that: NICE. She has always been so sweet and sensitive. I remember taking her to my 1st grade class for show and tell a few months after she was born. She was the sibling I shared a room with the longest. And the only fault I can think of about her was that she seemed to be sick A LOT while we shared a room. I swear I remember one time when I was like 11 or something (which meant she was about 5) leaning over from the top bunk to tell her to stop coughing and I saw her throw up. That scene will be engraved into my memory forever. And I will never let her forget it either! Ha ha. 

Of course since she is the nicest sibling, she got teased the most. Probably because she was too sweet to fight back. 

She's my mini-me in looks. We are the blonde-haired-blue-eyed ladies in the family. When people see us together I'm sure they can tell right away that we are sisters.

I admire her hair. She has the most perfect long blonde hair and I ENVY it so much. I tell her that all the time and of course she just smiles her sweet smile and says thanks. And I can tell she means it.

It has been so fun to watch her grow up and become such a beautiful young woman. It was fun having her semi-close by down in Provo during her freshman year of college and to talk with her about grown-up stuff. And right now she is serving a mission and I LOVE reading her letters because they are just so. . .Jodee. So full of love and hope for these people she is serving. Her testimony is rock solid and I look up to her for that. She definitely is true to the faith and never wavers in what she knows is right.  Whatever man catches her eye someday better be like a future prophet, because that's the only type of man I can see her with.

And I just have to end my snippet on her with this classic picture. I'm pretty sure it is my favorite of us out of all the pictures I have. It sums up our relationship PERFECTLY.

Now for ANDREA.

I love you so much. The end.

Ha ha ha ha ha KIDDING! I will write more about you. And here you go:

Oh Andrea, you feisty little sister you. Growing up as the youngest of 7 kids will definitely do that to you, I think. Well, at least in our family. I'm sure you put up with a lot from most of us! BI remember teasing you until I saw the fire in your eyes. Then I knew I would be in trouble and usually stopped. Ha ha!  I remember getting a kick out of watching you play basketball on a team for the first time because I saw that familiar fire in your eyes when you went after that ball. It was hilarious.  

I have always admired that fire and determination you have had when it comes to anything you want to do-you just go out and do it. 

You've always been the cute baby sister. And you always will be. :) 

And of course I had to add a really awesome picture I took of you at Sam's wedding. What a cutie.

I am amazed at how much you are able to do-all the time! I admire you for that too! You really are a hard worker and with that I know you will go on to do wonderful things. Your "punny" humor is hilarious (most of the time, sometimes it's annoying. But that's probably because Paul is the same as you with grammar and correcting people about it-whether out loud or in his head.)

I love you LOTS baby sister. I can't really call you my "little" sister since you are like 3 inches taller than me.

You have one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. And you are also one of the most spiritual people I have met-you will also be an amazing missionary! (Unless some handsome-nerdy-punny guy comes along and sweeps you off your feet and you get married at the age of 18. Ha ha ha!)

Anyways, you girls are awesome and I love having you as my sisters.

Andrea, hopefully this post is what you are looking for. If not, then TOO BAD. Ha ha.

The Weird Inbetween

This post is personal. So if you cringe at reading about that kind of stuff, or are an eye roller and immediately think "Personal post=most likely someone whining about stuff I don't care about", then maybe skip this one. Go back to your candy crush game, Pinterest, or whatever else you do to waste time on the internet.

One more thing, this post is LONG. Like, really LONG.

I'm going to get real here. Real about my body and all the thoughts about it. This is hard for me to post because you all know how passionate I am about positive body image. And right now I am struggling.

Let's start from the "beginning". (Beginning in quotations because I'm talking junior high/high school. Not the actual beginning of my life).

Looking back, I cannot recall a time in my adolescence where I remember looking at my body in the mirror and thinking I was fat, or hating my thighs/bum/stomach. In fact, I don't remember giving any of that a second thought. I want to say it was a combination of being active in sports and growing up with a mother who was active because it was what she loved to do. I never heard her call herself fat, or make any negative comments about her own appearance. And I never heard her say anything negative about my body either. Negative body image never crossed my mind. I realized years later how "abmormal" that was.

 I don't remember having "food rules". Yes, we had fruit and vegetables daily. Yes, we knew we were only allowed two cookies for dessert, but I don't remember being told that if I had more than two cookies I would get fat. Or that sugar would kill me one day. I doubt my mom restricted our cookie intake for just those reasons (if she even thought them). Either I totally tuned out my mom saying that stuff while eagerly reaching for the cookies I knew I could have, or else my memory is correct in that we did not grow up in a home where we were told there were good and bad foods.

The first time I ever dabbled in having some negative body image thoughts was during my second year of college. I had a horrible first semester down at LDS Business College living far away from home for the first time and had a couple roommates that were honestly quite terrible. Looking back on my behavior, I realized I turned to food for a stress relief. It only lasted a few months, but when I was home for the holidays I realized that what I was doing was not making me happy. My body and soul just felt off and gross, to be honest. I vowed when I went back for my second semester that I would lose weight.

And I did, but it wasn't in a healthy way. I didn't work out and switch to eating better wholesome foods. I just ate less. A LOT less. I remember sometimes taking only a bag of carrots to eat for lunch at school/work and STARVING but secretly being proud of myself for working on losing that stress weight so quickly. And I did. I lost it after a couple months and then went back to what I think was more normal. A lot of that had to do with me being a lot more happy in my environment. I had my best friend as my roommate and we moved into an awesome/super ghetto house in a beautiful part of Salt Lake. I was done with school and making new friends. Life was good, so thoughts about my body/food were completely off my mind. Working at an eating disorder clinic really opened my eyes on how easily most people turn to food as a coping mechanism, whether it's binging or restricting, or both. It helped me realize that what I had done briefly was just that: coping. It helped me realize that I never wanted to do that again, that there were healthy ways to lose and maintain weight. That food was not the enemy, we are the ones who make it the enemy sometimes. I really felt like I was back in a place mentally where I was fine with my body. I did what I could to work out and eat mostly healthy. Negative body image thoughts were not there.

Until I became pregnant.

Sorry if that's a shock and a disappointment to some (or all) of you, but it's the truth. I've jokingly talked about in previous posts what some people have said to me without realizing how they sound. (aka "You're going to have a BIG baby!" or "Wow, you look a lot farther along than you really are!" Or another one I just heard last week "How much did your baby weigh? Because it looked like you were going to have a 10 pound baby at least!" -bless that old lady's heart.) Once I became pregnant, my body became the focus point of everything. Everything I ate I was thinking "Is this good for my baby? is this going to pack on extra pounds that aren't needed?" And it seemed everything people talked to me about was my body. Most information I read told me I would only need to gain an average of 25-35 extra pounds during pregnancy. Well guess what? I gained WAY more. We're talking at least 50 pounds. I hated getting on that scale at the doctor's office every month as I progressed through my pregnancy. I hated that I was starting to do what I ranted and raved about to tell people NOT to do-let a number affect how I felt about myself. Sure, a part of me knew it was all "normal", but another part of me felt embarrassed and slightly appalled. I tried my best while I was pregnant to work out and eat healthy. I was constantly CONSTANTLY hungry. I ate a lot because if I didn't, I felt sick. I tried to eat well. The number kept going up. I stopped looking. (Mainly because my belly got so big that I couldn't see the number on the scale. It was a blessing in disguise.) I had this internal battle going on inside my head the whole time of trying not to care but finding myself still worrying.

Sure, everyone carries differently. Everyone has their own unique body type. Once again, I was more aware of my body image than I ever had been. And it was frustrating.

February 27th came and out came my child. My brand new, beautiful perfect child. And like pretty much all pregnancies, I lost a majority of the weight gained during those first 6 weeks. When I stepped on that scale at my 6 week post partum appointment, I was impressed to see how much my body had just naturally lost. I was now only roughly 15 pounds over the weight I was before I was pregnant.

And now I am in a totally new phase of my body. Pregnancy really stretched out and expanded parts of me. Loose skin, stretch marks, giant boobs, you get the picture. I'm in the weird "in between" stage because my maternity pants are too loose, but my pre-pregnancy jeans are still too tight. I tried to convince myself to not even try them on for a few more months, but curiosity got the better of me. I ended up going to Savers and buying a few pairs of bigger pants because I have no idea when, or if ever, I'll be able to fit into those again. And yes, it was still somewhat depressing even though I KNOW I have a good excuse of having just had a child. Believe me when I tell you little Lauren is a wonderful blessing in my life and I wouldn't think twice about giving up my body again for a little nugget of joy like her.

I'm struggling with feeling guilty/annoyed at myself for wanting my "pre-baby body" back as badly as I do. I've always loathed those stupid magazines by the check out stands that boast of ways to help you get your pre-pregnancy body back with these "simple tips", to which I'm sure most aren't healthy.

I understand that it's a work in progress. I understand I'm only 2 months post partum. I understand it will take a while. The healthy way will, at least. I've really been trying (and I think succeeding) to eat healthier foods. We eat a lot more whole foods in our diet, and I am making an effort to work out. I'm trying to enjoy moving my body again instead of only doing it to lose weight. I do believe that my body will become balanced again and be where it is supposed to be.

I think my main fear deep down is that where my body is supposed to be from now on will never be back to what it was before. And deep down I'm afraid that I'll resent that. Part of me understands that having a baby changes everything. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm also afraid that now that I've admitted that out loud on this blog, that some of you will judge me. That you will think that I'm ungrateful and narrow minded in thinking this way about my body after giving birth. I guess you can feel that way, and I can't control that. But in a way, it feels nice to blog about this, especially if I hear that others have felt this same way. I'm not posting this to fish for compliments about my body. I'm not posting this to get pats on the back and being told that everything will work out and be just fine and that I just need to be patient. I'm posting because this is how I feel. And the one goal I've always had with blogging is to be real and own up to my feelings and lay it out. I guess I just have a lot to say on this topic right now.

So there you have it. If you've made it this far without falling asleep or going back to Pinterest, I'm giving you a virtual high five.