Post #1: The White Stocking, or Where It All Began

There's a tradition in my family on Christmas Eve. Up along the mantle with all our stockings, there was also always a white stocking. Someone gave it as a gift years ago, and it's meaning and activity have become a part of our holiday traditions.

 On Christmas Eve, after all our musical programs and nativity acting out, Mom would read the following:

It wasn't that anyone had really been forgotten. No children had been slighted or made unhappy and no adult had been left unremembered. The presents had all been distributed and all the stockings were beautifully filled--all except one; one stocking that had never been hung. It was the stocking intended for the child of Bethlehem. Of all the people belonging at the Christmas gathering, only He had been forgotten. Only He had been left out of all the festivities. This didn't seem quite right, inasmuch as it was His birthday that was being celebrated. 

We would then each write on a tiny piece of paper a goal for the following year that would draw us closer to Christ, and place it in the stocking. We would then pull out those papers next Christmas and see if we did what we set out to do.

The last time I was at my parents' house for Christmas was 2014. My goal was this:

I remember writing this, because I remember how I felt while I wrote it. It was a small, quick, vague way of me trying to tell myself that everything was going to be OK.

Now, 2014 was--on the outside--a joyous year for me and my family. We welcomed our little Lauren in February of that year. She was healthy, developing like she should, and we were doing everything that should bring us joy. And there were joyous times. Lauren brought a new love to our home we didn't know existed. Her spirit filled our hearts and our home.  So why was I struggling so much on the inside? Weren't things good?

 2015 was going to be a better year. An easier year. I was close--2 months away--from Lauren's first birthday. A major milestone. I would have survived the first year and looked back and thought "All right, it really wasn't that bad, was it?"

Yes. There was so much good. But there was also so much going on inside of me that left me feeling dark and alone.

See, I wrote this goal to have faith over fear because I was in a constant state of fear. For the past year and a half, I was in the throes of anxiety and postpartum anxiety.  And I didn't know it.

I've had bouts with anxiety before, mostly in college, but counseling helped and I thought I was all good. I thought I had learned what I needed and that it was just a fluke and I wasn't going to experience those feelings again. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant in the summer of 2013 (and it wasn't a surprise, we had talked about it), the thoughts came racing back.

All the time. Every day.

There was always something to worry about. To obsess over.

I don't know if I cooked my lunch meat long enough, am I going to miscarry? I forgot to take my pre-natal vitamin this morning. Is my baby going to have some weird birth defect because of it? I have a pain in my right side. Am I having an ectopic pregnancy? Should I go to the emergency room just to check? I feel nauseous all the time, will I be able to keep anything down? Will I starve myself and the baby? Will I end up in the hospital because I'm so dehydrated? Will I be sick the whole 9 months? Am I going to be able to make it to the bathroom in time to puke or will I puke all over my desk at work?

On and on they went.
All day. Every day.

Did anyone have any idea how consuming those thoughts were? No, not even Paul. He knew I was nervous, but I believed, just like everyone else did, that it was normal to be that stressed all the time. We were new to this parent thing, for crying out loud! We didn't know what we were doing!

I didn't realize there was a difference. That the tight feeling in my chest wasn't normal. That sleepless nights because of the thoughts wasn't normal. That I was showing all the signs of being in the middle of anxiety.

I was--and still am--, considered to be a person with high functioning anxiety. I didn't lock myself away in my room during my pregnancy. I went to work. I grocery shopped. I worked out. I socialized. I smiled. I laughed. I did everything normal people do, but inside I was drowning. I didn't "look" stressed (whatever that means), I was consumed by it, but kept it hidden, because I was sure if I told everyone all the thoughts that raced through my mind in a mere 10 minutes, I would be patted on the arm and told "There, there. It's just because you're new to this. It will all be fine. You'll see."

The problem with anxiety is that it robs me of faith. Anxiety grabs a hold of my brain and spits out all these scenarios that come to my mind over and over again and that somehow convince me they are very real and very probable. And the whole concept of faith becomes absurd.

Anxiety not only brings on the worst-case scenario thoughts, it also brings on a sense of doom. In my case (it may vary, I can only vouch for myself), I began to feel like Heavenly Father didn't care about what I wanted. He was going to do what He saw best. We are taught that, right? There is always a higher power. His thoughts are not our thoughts. His ways are not our ways. We need to trust Him, no matter what.

I began to believe that He would take away this pregnancy from me. I had friends who experienced miscarriages and still births. Why would I be saved from any of that heartache? Why did I deserve a healthy baby? I was no better than anyone else. My self-worth was at an all time low. I believed that Heavenly Father had His own agenda, and was going to do whatever He thought was best, and that I was sure it was going to be something tragic. Something that I should have prepared myself for. I should have considered the possibility that something bad could happen. I convinced myself that if I didn't expect the worst, I was being naive and deserved something bad because I needed to remember that life is about trials, not joy.

I really, honestly believed all of that. For a very long time.

So, that tiny piece of paper was written 10 months after Lauren was born. Did the anxiety stop once she was born? Heavens no. It then became postpartum anxiety, which I will cover another time (since this post is already so long, and I am actually quite drained writing it.)

But I want to end this post with this--though I felt overwhelmed, and forgotten, useless, and many more negative things, I still had a tiny bit of hope in me. I had hope because after Lauren's first eight months of life, I was starting to feel like myself again. I wasn't worrying as much. I was able to breathe a bit easier. I was able to sleep better. Feel more joy than fear. And because the anxiety was starting to fade, I had hope that I could feel connected to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again. Somehow, in the midst of all this new parenting stuff, I felt forgotten. I felt like I had to do everything on my own. I felt like it was expected of me. A requirement. I had forgotten what it means to really have Christ as a companion.

So I was going to make 2015 the year where I built my relationship with Christ again. I was going to ask Him to be a part of my life again. To help me feel like myself again. And I remember feeling in my heart as I wrote down my goal on that piece of paper and dropped it in the stocking, that He was aware of me. He was going to help me. I felt it so strongly. 2015 was going to bring me closer to Him, it was going to be a year of building.

When I look back on that pregnancy, I do remember the dark times, but I now also see how I mattered to Him. I've never not mattered to Him, even when I felt like I am a million miles away from Him. I guess that's what I really want someone to take away from this post. Hope. And the opportunity for you to remember that if you are in a dark place right now, or on the verge of one, or just coming out of one, or just wondering-

You. Matter. To. Him.

A New Year, A New Project

I keep getting this nagging feeling I need to come back and blog.

It's going to be a new year in a couple weeks, so what better time to take on a new project, right?

Except I know I can't go back to blogging how I used to. Reading through the past posts on here feel like another lifetime ago. So much has changed. Externally, for one, but also internally. I am not the same person I was when I posted last on here.

Which is part of  life, right? We all go through crappy times, good times, weird times, etc., and usually come out stronger. Sometimes we see the difference right away. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it takes a really long time.

I want to blog somewhat consistently again, but I think it's going to be a little bit different. I don't see it being the whole "here's some pictures and a summary of the fun stuff we did" kind of blog anymore.

I think it's going to be a place where I lay out some things that I've learned, that are bubbling up inside of me and that are nudging me to share.

A place where I may get really personal, and that might make some people uncomfortable. No worries, I get it. I've been learning in a really raw, hard way that being vulnerable is one of the most uncomfortable things to do.

But I'm also learning the more I work at being authentic and real, the easier it gets, and the more rewarding it gets. The more real I am, the deeper my connection is with those I'm real with.

So, little blog world, I think it is time I get real with you.

How often I will post is still to be determined, but my goal is at least monthly. That's doable, right? That's twelve posts I'm committing to write this year. Twelve isn't overwhelming. I can do that.

And maybe no one will read this. Or maybe, one other person besides my mom will, and that's cool. I'm committing to doing this no matter what the outcome will be, which that in and of itself is a challenge for me. I HATE not knowing the outcome of something. I've never been the kind to have unwavering faith. (Which, hey, is probably a topic I am going to talk about in one of these posts.)

So there you have it, Tara's plan to blog it out this year. You can read if you want, or you can roll your eyes and keep scrolling, no biggie.

Here's to an interesting year!

A Jumble of Stuff

Oh hey. . yeah, I used to blog. Often. Somehow that has just slipped by the wayside. One of my new year's resolutions is to get back into blogging! (Not really, I actually hadn't thought about it until right now. But maybe I will try and stick to it. We'll see.)

So, it's obviously been months, so I'm just going to throw down a bunch of pictures and give you, dear reader, a little update as this goes along. If you continue to read this through to the very end you are either my mom, sister, or someone who is very bored and needs something to do.

Alright, let's get this going!

Back in October we decided to take a little hike during one of the last really nice days of the year. We went up some trail in the mountains that I can't remember, but it was fun. And Lauren loves being in that backpack carrier thing. And look at her gorgeous big brown eyes.

Looks like I'm jumping around a bit with these pictures. . my apologies.

We also went to Temple Square the weekend after Thanksgiving. It was PACKED but once again a pretty warm evening. Lauren did like it, but didn't like being strapped into her stroller. Pretty sure her cry echoed all around the square. She seriously has such a loud cry. Maybe this means she'll be some amazing singer. . or just continue to be a loud crier.

Right before Christmas break my high school bestie Rachel stopped by for a few minutes on her way to family. I haven't seen her in over a year and so even 5 minutes was heaven! Luckily she and her family just moved back to Utah and are a lot closer to us! Yippee! Best news ever.

And now these are pictures from my phone. . I believe this was when we did an awesome surprise party for my Mom's birthday back in the beginning of December. She really had no idea! My dad "stole her away" Friday night and stayed at a hotel nearby so that we could all arrive and set up for a little party the next day. We made her a music video to her favorite song "Allstar" that you all should go check out and give us more views on Youtube. It's called "AW Birthday video". Ha ha.

I'm trying to document when Lauren actually lets other people hold her. It's getting more and more common so that's a good thing. She is actually pretty chill with other people if she isn't tired or hungry. Plus I love Tonya's face in this picture. A classic for sure.

And blogger is being stupid and won't let me center this picture. But just more proof of her liking other people besides us now. She's letting Grandpa read to her. So cute.

 This above picture is of Broc from our ward! This was his little mission farewell party. We miss him! He was great entertainment for Lauren during sacrament meeting.


This was from one of those days we desperately needed to get out, so I took her to the mall to walk around. We ended up in Sears looking at all the Christmas trees. Great free entertainment! By the way, she totally won't wear that hat anymore. :( She's figured out out to take things off her head. So when I do put something like a headband on her, I have to distract her so that she forgets it's on her head. . it works about 40% of the time.

This is from Thanksgiving. We celebrated with Paul's family this year. It was a lot of fun. Lauren is playing with her Grandma Siddoway in this picture and I love it.

Here she is letting Uncle David and Allie entertain her at Thanksgiving. This was one of the last weeks with that walker. :( She became too tall for it and almost started tipping over as she would reach for things. I still miss that thing sometimes. . it was great entertainment for her, and for me to watch her cruise around our house in it.

This was either over the Mom birthday weekend or Christmas. . I can't remember! Lauren with her cousin Addy. They are already becoming good friends! And Addy's hair is the bomb in this picture. Lauren kept trying to grab it, I remember.

One thing Paul got me for Christmas was an eblisceiver (SP!) pan! That was our Christmas dinner growing up, and I'm glad I now have one so that my kids can have these. I made a batch New Year's Day and they turned out great!

Last one: This I snapped a few weeks ago when I was doing dishes and she was really quiet, so I went to check on her and found her "reading". So so cute.

And so there was my feeble attempt to catch up. This little lady is already 10 months old, which is insane but also SO awesome. She is in such a fun stage. She jabbers at me all day, can mimick some words we say, like "uh-oh", 'ho-ho-ho", "all gone" "night night", and "bye-bye". She waves at the door every time we get ready to go somewhere. She does Pat-a-cake and loves to "Throw it in the oven!" And keeps her hands up forever afterwards. She LOVES Baby Einstein and when she watched the Old McDonald one and they sing the song she sings "e-i-e-i-o" in her own little language, it's hilarious.

I'm trying to wean her off of baby food mostly for my sanity because she's still so picky with being spoon fed. Some days she's all for it, and others she just swats it away and it goes flying all over me and the floor. Boo. But she's really picky about textures of table food. I think it's just going to take her some getting used to for some things. She already loves most carbs and fruit and cheeses and stuff like cottage cheese and yogurt, but veggies she's not super interested in. She finally ate some peas by themselves last night and didn't just chuck them on the floor. I've been disguising her veggies in her cottage cheese, which is super GROSS but she doesn't seem to notice so I guess what works I'll do! For now. . tomorrow could be a completely different story!

Let's see. . as for a me and Paul update. . .we're right now doing a little "fitness" challenge to help us stay healthy. We made a sticker chart and the goal is to each get 60 stickers. You can earn a sticker for exercising, drinking 64 oz of water, and staying within your calorie goal on My Fitness Pal. If you do all three of those in one day, then you get a bonus sticker. The prize is a one hour massage! Right now I'm winning, but barely.

Also, I made a new resolution to get back into my hobbies this year, even if it's just for a little bit each week. I set weekly reminders to focus on one thing that week, like crocheting, painting, etc. So far I've done ok, but this is just the first week I've started. Ha.

Also, Paul and I decided to make some nights a "screen free" night, like 4 nights a week after we put Lauren to bed at 7 ish, no more screens. We have to do other stuff. So we've gotten back into puzzling and doing a lot of reading. It's really been great and I hope we can keep it up!


And that's that. Thanks Mom and Tonya for reading this to the very end. Ha ha.