In Memoriam

I don't know if I will actually be able to put into words the emotions I have been feeling this past week, but I want to try. 

Emma became a good friend of mine our senior year of high school. I have memories of playing card games and watching movies in her basement multiple times. I have memories of having good heart to heart talks in her car late into the night. Mostly about boys, but also about life. I loved those talks because afterwards I always felt better. Emma had a way of making people feel better. 

As I have been reflecting on all the memories I do have of her, I do not have a single bad one. I don't recall her ever saying mean things about anyone. Ever. She was not that kind of person. Perhaps that's another reason why I loved being her friend- she was someone I looked up to and wanted to be like. 

To try and put into words the grief and heartache I felt when I was told of her passing is not possible. All I felt was numb shock. Not Emma, who was  pregnant with her second child. Not Emma, who still kept in touch with me via our own personal blogs and other forms of social media because she lived across the country. Not Emma, who was one of the most Christ-like people I have ever known. Why her? Why right now? 

That was my reaction. 

I cannot even begin to imagine the grief and pain her husband and family members are experiencing right now. All I know is my own grief. It has been hard to accept that she really is no longer on this earth. 

But what is so amazing about having the knowledge of the gospel in my life is while I am still grieving, I have peace. I know that Emma is already doing marvelous work on the other side. Heavenly Father needed her to come back. Just as she served so many people here during her life, she is now serving so many more beyond the veil. I don't doubt that for a second.

Her funeral was a beautiful service. I am so glad I was able to attend and honor the life she did live here on earth. And I am so glad that she was part of my life. She always will be. 

I know this is not goodbye. 

How grateful I am for the Atonement at a time like this. Jesus Christ knows the pain of grieving for someone who has died. He grieved for his friend Lazarus, even though he had the power to raise him from the dead. Jesus Christ has felt that pain. And because he has, he is the one we can turn to because he DOES understand. And he CAN make us stronger. He wants to make us stronger.

I have a testimony of that. 

I love you Emma. I am looking forward to the day that I can see you again. 

It's been a month

Yes, yes, I know. It's been a MONTH since I last blogged. In all honesty, I have had ZERO desire to blog for the past 4 weeks. For some reason this past month was hard. Hard, hard HARD.

I usually try and be honest and lay everything out on this blog, but I don't really feel like going into details about this past month. Let's just say that I tried to get her on a better schedule but that didn't work. And she got some sort of minor illness which resulted in a few weeks worth of pretty sleepless nights for us. AND I think she might be more sensitive to dairy than I originally thought so I am now trying for the next month to be completely dairy free. ( I MISS MY CHEESE! *sniff*)

Anyways, the sleepless nights made the past few weeks seem kind of foggy, but I did still manage to take some pictures of the good times so here you go.


First off, I had a birthday! Paul treated me to a pedicure so I had a wonderful relaxing hour all to myself. It was GLORIOUS. That was pretty much the only thing I did differently that day. I made my own birthday cake, which was actually a dessert I grew up with creatively called "Pudding and Cake". It's basically angel food cake ripped up into chunks and mixed with pudding. It may sound and look gross, but it is GOOOOD.

Pretty sure this was taken the next day, or week. . .I can't remember when. But we were just watching some tv and hanging out with Lauren and we thought she had just tooted, but then I looked over and saw this river of poo going down the side of Paul's pants. HIl-AR-IOUS. She didn't even bat an eye.

Our carpet is now very clean in that one spot.

We also went up to Idaho for our last official Whittier reunion. *sniff*. It was fun! Except that it decided to RAIN the one whole day we were up there. We stayed at the West Piney Girls' Camp. Luckily they had a big lodge so we didn't feel all crammed in there, but it got kind of old hearing the constant loud noise of kids running around and shouting and crying. Lauren helped us snag the best room out of the whole place though. Thanks to her loud cry, we were given the only room on the ground floor, complete with our own bathroom! She actually did pretty good while we were there. I'm not used to sharing a room with her though so every noise she made I feel like it woke me up!  Here's a couple pictures our cousin took of us while we were up there.

She did seem really happy to be back home though! Except that's when the awful sleepless nights for us started. There were a few nights in a row where she would wake up every 45 minutes just wanting her pacifier. SO ANNOYING. But that's when I wondered if she was actually sick because this happened out of nowhere and she's usually a pretty good sleeper. She also started sounding really raspy, like an old lady so I think she had some fluid back by her ears, which made her want to suck on her binky to help with that. She also started to have some bloody diapers and that's what made me realize maybe dairy isn't agreeing with her right now. So I've cut it out completely and will see how this month goes. Luckily it hasn't been to hard. But if that doesn't do anything for her I think I'll just go through bottle boot camp with her and switch to formula because I don't have the patience to try and cut out something else to see if that helps. I may be a bad mom for thinking that, but I do need my sanity in order to function. She used to be awesome at taking a bottle, but then suddenly one day just stopped and refused it. I got tired of fighting with her so I just gave up, but I know I'll need her to take it again. Any advice on what to do? I'm thinking it might come to the point of just making that her only option and eventually she'll take it because she'll be so hungry. That sounds awful though. But changing my diet even more sounds worse to me and she isn't a dream eater anyways so I can see myself switching to it eventually anyways.

There's a little mobile on her play mat that she loves and one day it fell down and landed like this at the top of her head. Looks like a real neat hat.

We took her swimming in Grandma and Grandpa Siddoway's pool and she really liked it! Well, she didn't cry at all the whole time, just looked around and really liked sucking on a pool ring toy. Both of them might not look too happy in this picture, but it went really well! 

This is what happens when I'm not in the room with these two. Shenanigans like this ensue.

One night I swaddled Paul. He said it was actually quite comfy. I could see myself feeling claustrophobic though.

We FINALLY got a "new" couch and loveseat! Our friend from Logan was moving and sold them to us for a good deal. I didn't want to buy anything brand new since we now have a child and I know that stuff is going to get on them, but I was so sick of the other crappy ones we had that were really, really hard to get out of (even though they were comfy) when you are holding a child with both arms. So this was a perfect solution.

Chillin' in the bumbo, or "bimbo" as my Mom thought it was called! Ha ha.

This is also a new thing she likes to do-put her foot up against the wall while I change her diaper. I think she's realizing she has feet because she touches a lot of stuff with them now and looks at them all curious like "Hey. . . .I think you are a part of my body. . . let's try this."

That's it for now! She's as chunky as ever, now in 6-9 month clothing. I take her into the doctor tomorrow for her 4 month check up and shots so we'll see what percentile she's in now! I'm thinking still 90's for most of it. We shall see. And then it's heading up to Idaho Falls for the 4th of July. YAY!

Three

Three months. I have been a parent for three months. Some days it seems like it's been soooooo much longer than that, and other days I swear she was just born. Life is funny like that.

Anyways, everyone said that once we get to the three months mark and mostly out of the newborn stage that she would get so much better. I'll admit there were many MANY times I didn't believe that, especially late into the evenings when she was crying and crying and I felt like this was all it was ever going to be like. . . that my child would always be this way: pleasant some of the time, and then super grouchy and crabby the rest of the time, and that was just the way it was.

Well, thankfully I have already seen a HUGE improvement in her during this past week! It's been so nice. I guess people who had kids before me actually did know what they were talking about. Ha ha.

I feel like she is starting to hit so many milestones right now! I love it. It's like one day she just decided to try all these things. For instance, tummy time is going so much better now. It's like over night her neck just got a lot stronger and she doesn't mind it nearly as much.

She also started rolling over onto her back when she gets tired of being on her tummy. It took her a few tries. She would mostly get there, but had a hard time lifting her chunky legs. But now she can do it.

She talks to me so much more now during the day. It's constant cooing and gurgling and a lot of times she is so serious about it! It's hilarious. She really wants me to know what is on her mind. We've gotten her to laugh a couple times, but she's still stingy about it. She giggles when Paul kisses her cheeks. Must be the facial hair that tickles her.

We've also tried out the bumbo a few times and though she's not a huge fan of it yet, she will sit in it for a few minutes. The main challenge is getting those chubby legs through the holes! It's hilarious to me for some reason.

She made her first out of town trip with us up to my parents' house in Idaho Falls for Memorial Day weekend. She did great! I tried to time it for our trip up and back that she would just sleep, and it totally worked. I have to take advantage of this while I can. She was very friendly to all the family that was there. But once she's done being social/starts to get tired, she lets you KNOW. She's still a very hot and cold baby emotionally. Paul *ahem* politely pointed out that he thinks she gets that from me. He might be onto something.

She was able to meet Great Grandma Whittier for the first time.

And here we are just hanging out. It was nice to get out of town and be around other people who wanted to hold her. So far she still doesn't show any stranger anxiety and I hope that continues! Though she does recognize us as her parents and that's cute to me.

Unfortunately I picked up a cold while up visiting so a lot of my time up there was spent laying around and just trying to breathe! I was so paranoid that Lauren would catch it to, in fact I was expecting it. But miraculously she only had a cough for a few days. Still, being the paranoid new mom I am I took her into the pediatrician a few days after we got home. Her lungs were clear and everything so I was able to feel better about that. They did weigh her and she now weighs 13 lbs 11 oz. She's gained almost two pounds in just a month! I'm totally ok with that. What a cute chunky monkey.

We spent a few times a day in our bathroom doing steam room sessions. That helped both of us.

Her eyes are already changing color. Some days I see a lot of brown in them, and some days I see more green. Whatever color they are going to be, I doubt they will be blue. I'm thinking brown but we'll see. I also think she's going to be right handed. That hand seems to be the one she tries things out with first. She can grab with that hand pretty good now, and she uses that arm to push herself to roll over too. Just some observations of mine.